Mr. John Flowers’ Chilli

Thomas Ptacek | May 12th, 2006 | Filed Under: Industry Punditry

In what can only be described as the journalistic equivalent of Cartman grinding up Scott Tenorman’s parents and feeding them to him, David Martin of Kansas City’s The Pitch calmly and systematically debunks an entire career —- Hiverworld (nee nCircle) cofounder John Flowers.

I don’t want to give away too much. You really want to read the article, each caustic graf of which sears unearned credibility off Flowers career like muriatic acid on a dirty floor tile. But I will say this: Flowers claims that, after allegedly stealing portions of nmap from Fyodor, he went on to wander the Earth like Kane in Kung Fu, getting into adventures and shit, until a Southeast Asian monk taught him to escape a buried wooden casket using his bare hands by forcing him to grind pepper. By hand! With a mortar and pestle!

Oh, and he got his most recent company funded by Kansas State Lottery proceeds. After convincing Om Malik that his company was the personification of Web 2.0, he entered into talks with Google, which, concerned by his skills and standing membership in the Deadly Viper Assassin Squad, declined to purchase.

Things that aren’t in the article, but are funny nonetheless:

  • A nearly content-free Def Con 8 presentation, ostensibly about IDS evasion, which evidently launched Hiverworld.

  • A claim that John holds what is “widely regarded as one of the most important patents in Network Security”.

David Martin is not a tech writer, but, dude, I think it might be best for us never to piss him off.

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